Too long since I last wrote

Thoughts

It has been nearly a month since I last wrote something, a lot has been going on and happening in my life. Firstly I made a decision that I was not going to spend my days attached to a computer, I wanted to do stuff, be more active and proactive, be alive. So I started a new routine, instead of lazing and feeling sorry for myself because I was alone all day or whatever. I decided to do something about it. I got up the same time as my husband (6am) so we could spend more time together and be more of a team and not feel so disconnected from each other. That was great. I also wanted to get the housework etc done early so it was done and I didn't have to worry about it. Anyway. I found it made my life so much easier and I felt happier too. It worked wonderfully for 2 weeks and I was doing it all so well. I have also been exercising for an hour everyday, 6 days a week and feel fantastic. Now I am at the stage where I am struggling to keep the routine going, but I have been pushing myself to keep at it. I have realised that I give up way too easily and then get mad at myself for giving up, but then don't try again. Realising this I vowed to not let it happen again, I must keep at it.
So anyway that is why I have not written anything, I have been busy and happy with my life, till now. Isn't it funny that life can seem so wonderful for a bit and then it goes downhill...
Happens to me all the time, I get so frustrated when that happens. I think to myself, why can't life be easy? Of course I then realise how unrealistic I am being and that its this way for a reason.

Alot has been going on in my head too. I have been thinking and realising that I need to change and be a better person. There are so many things I wish I wasn't. Partly because it hurts me and also because it hurts others. I want to be the person that God wants me to be. That's the journey I am on.

Another thing I am trying to do is to be honest with myself and not deny things. Its so easy to pretend that nothing is wrong and that everything is alright in life. I do not want to be like that. Sadly most of the world is like that, pretend 'its all good' and then try to get on with life. Well I refuse to be like that. I have problems, upsets, make mistakes, get mad, don't forgive when I should, lie to myself about problems, be negative instead of positive, hold onto grudges, stay in my comfort zone, don't reach out to those who need it, try to make my life perfect (not caring about others), judge others, the list goes on...
While it is good to be honest, its also very hard. I hate admitting that I have done something wrong especially to someone I have wronged that I don't know very well (eeek!)
Beside the point though...it is very much a freedom process being honest with myself and others (when I can). I am alot happier for it. Being honest is not the end for me, thats the beginning, it marks the process of change for me.

I have been sewing again finally, and found it to be very fulfilling. I enjoy the process of making an item of clothing from start to finish and then being able to proudly wear something that I made, it is definitely rewarding, alot more rewarding than buying clothes, for me anyway.
When I have finished sewing all items of clothing that I have material for I will have sewn 4 skirts, 1 pair trackpants, spring/summer dress top, polar fleece hoody/jacket. I might put photographs of these items on here when I have finished them. At the moment I have finished 3 of the skirts, the trackpants and nearly finished the top. I am in the process of making the polar fleece hoody.
I don't like following the instructions for the patterns though, they are annoyingly confusing. They say what to do and then don't explain how to do it and show a tiny diagram of how to do it that I can't really see what to do. My husband has been helping me alot with my sewing in the pattern instruction bit anyway...he can understand what to do better than I can. He can sew too, which is good. He sewed himself a polar fleece hoody, I am going to get him to make himself a pair of cord pants. I have the material, just need the pattern, zip, thread and button.

I have been enjoying exercise, I have forced myself to get into a routine. There have been days where I really did not want to go outside, but made myself do it because I knew it was good for me. I didn't regret it. I am also going to try pilates, I have a DVD, and mat. I tried it the other day and it is so hard. All the correct breathing, odd poses and coordination, none of which I am good at all at the same time. I want to learn though. It will definitely be beneficial. In fact, my husband and I would like to do it together three times a week. I think he would benefit from it too, its just a matter of motivation on his part.

That was an odd assortment of thoughts, catch-up and phrases that I can not repeat now. Its all done and has worn me out. I have enjoyed just being able to write again, to get my thoughts flowing out of my mind like a river, its great.

Ok, so I can't change the size of the font in the second half of this post, odd. I have no idea why.