Too long since I last wrote

Thoughts

It has been nearly a month since I last wrote something, a lot has been going on and happening in my life. Firstly I made a decision that I was not going to spend my days attached to a computer, I wanted to do stuff, be more active and proactive, be alive. So I started a new routine, instead of lazing and feeling sorry for myself because I was alone all day or whatever. I decided to do something about it. I got up the same time as my husband (6am) so we could spend more time together and be more of a team and not feel so disconnected from each other. That was great. I also wanted to get the housework etc done early so it was done and I didn't have to worry about it. Anyway. I found it made my life so much easier and I felt happier too. It worked wonderfully for 2 weeks and I was doing it all so well. I have also been exercising for an hour everyday, 6 days a week and feel fantastic. Now I am at the stage where I am struggling to keep the routine going, but I have been pushing myself to keep at it. I have realised that I give up way too easily and then get mad at myself for giving up, but then don't try again. Realising this I vowed to not let it happen again, I must keep at it.
So anyway that is why I have not written anything, I have been busy and happy with my life, till now. Isn't it funny that life can seem so wonderful for a bit and then it goes downhill...
Happens to me all the time, I get so frustrated when that happens. I think to myself, why can't life be easy? Of course I then realise how unrealistic I am being and that its this way for a reason.

Alot has been going on in my head too. I have been thinking and realising that I need to change and be a better person. There are so many things I wish I wasn't. Partly because it hurts me and also because it hurts others. I want to be the person that God wants me to be. That's the journey I am on.

Another thing I am trying to do is to be honest with myself and not deny things. Its so easy to pretend that nothing is wrong and that everything is alright in life. I do not want to be like that. Sadly most of the world is like that, pretend 'its all good' and then try to get on with life. Well I refuse to be like that. I have problems, upsets, make mistakes, get mad, don't forgive when I should, lie to myself about problems, be negative instead of positive, hold onto grudges, stay in my comfort zone, don't reach out to those who need it, try to make my life perfect (not caring about others), judge others, the list goes on...
While it is good to be honest, its also very hard. I hate admitting that I have done something wrong especially to someone I have wronged that I don't know very well (eeek!)
Beside the point though...it is very much a freedom process being honest with myself and others (when I can). I am alot happier for it. Being honest is not the end for me, thats the beginning, it marks the process of change for me.

I have been sewing again finally, and found it to be very fulfilling. I enjoy the process of making an item of clothing from start to finish and then being able to proudly wear something that I made, it is definitely rewarding, alot more rewarding than buying clothes, for me anyway.
When I have finished sewing all items of clothing that I have material for I will have sewn 4 skirts, 1 pair trackpants, spring/summer dress top, polar fleece hoody/jacket. I might put photographs of these items on here when I have finished them. At the moment I have finished 3 of the skirts, the trackpants and nearly finished the top. I am in the process of making the polar fleece hoody.
I don't like following the instructions for the patterns though, they are annoyingly confusing. They say what to do and then don't explain how to do it and show a tiny diagram of how to do it that I can't really see what to do. My husband has been helping me alot with my sewing in the pattern instruction bit anyway...he can understand what to do better than I can. He can sew too, which is good. He sewed himself a polar fleece hoody, I am going to get him to make himself a pair of cord pants. I have the material, just need the pattern, zip, thread and button.

I have been enjoying exercise, I have forced myself to get into a routine. There have been days where I really did not want to go outside, but made myself do it because I knew it was good for me. I didn't regret it. I am also going to try pilates, I have a DVD, and mat. I tried it the other day and it is so hard. All the correct breathing, odd poses and coordination, none of which I am good at all at the same time. I want to learn though. It will definitely be beneficial. In fact, my husband and I would like to do it together three times a week. I think he would benefit from it too, its just a matter of motivation on his part.

That was an odd assortment of thoughts, catch-up and phrases that I can not repeat now. Its all done and has worn me out. I have enjoyed just being able to write again, to get my thoughts flowing out of my mind like a river, its great.

Ok, so I can't change the size of the font in the second half of this post, odd. I have no idea why.

Passion

I am a rather passionate person, however I find my passion comes in bursts and then slowly ebbs away. I am not talking about physical passion, I am talking about passion for life and for various things/hobbies in life. I have so many ideas and goals for my life, then I get overwhelmed i.e. my last post and am not quite sure where I am at. Then I feel really passionate about one or two things, at this stage it is sewing and working on my book of Poems (due out soon - hopefully). Then it goes away somewhat and I find a new thing that I am passionate about. At the moment it is myself and my husband's travel plans to the UK (at the end of next year so far). I am super excited about it and there is so much to plan and lots of money to save up too. We are hoping to live there for two years working full time and traveling when we can. I want to see the house my Dad grew up in in Switzerland, the house is apparently 300-400 years old and three stories. Sounds fascinating to me. I am also excited about using my Swiss citizenship for traveling. I have always used my Australian citizenship and now I will finally get to use my Swiss citizenship.

Back to passions. I am passionate about making this trip happen. I have always wanted to travel, see the world and experience new cultures, like really experience them. Not just get the tourists view of the culture.

I am afraid to say that my passions do not always include the people/things that they should, like my husband, God, family. I get too distracted sometimes by the flashingness of life and get really drawn in. It is hard not to sometimes; I like interesting things and to me these things are interesting.

Dictionary.com defines passionate as: having, compelled by, or ruled by intense emotion or strong feeling; fervid and also intense or vehement, as emotions or feelings. That about describes what I go through each time I have a passionate stage of a various interest in my life.
I like feeling passionate about something, it makes me feel way more empowered than if I were just doing something because I had to.

Overwhelmed

Lately I have noticed that I have so many things in my life that I want to do and not enough time. This is because my time is often taken up by things that need doing (although I'd rather not do them at all sometimes). I also do not understand TVs, they take up so much time that is mainly pointless. My husband and I don't own a T.V. at all. I was thinking to myself recently how if we did own a T.V. I would never have time to watch it or I would get distracted and watch it and then do nothing with my life. Which I don't really want because there is so much that I want to do with my life and sometimes I just don't know where to start. I also dislike doing menial tasks such as cooking and house cleaning...I think they take up too much time. I would love to own a robot that could do all my housework and cooking for me to allow me to pursue all the things that I want to do. I don't think that will happen anytime soon...unfortunately. Although there is now the technology for it. Hurry up and make it cheap for everyday people!

Back to the point of the whole post. I feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of desires and goals that I have for me life. Like for example I want to travel around the world and get to know lots of different cultures, I want to write a book, I want to write more, I want to create more (art, photos, sculpture, installation), I want to publish all my poems in a book....the list goes on. But back to the reality of my situation...I just can't fit it all in. I have to help maintain the house, cook, clean, study, maintain relationships, work...the list goes on. There are two diverse opposites pulling at me, part of me just wants to go and do all the things that I want to do and then another part of me says "hello!!! There are responsibilities!" I really don't like being responsible sometimes it takes away too much of my life and what I want to do.

Just a thought or two for today.